Cinematic Adventures

J. and I haven't rented a movie in a long, long time. It's probably been months. We haven't been to the movies in years. Truly, I think it was sometime in 2004. We're just lazy, cheap, and easily disappointed. Those three glowing personality traits are the reason we just haven't made an effort when it comes to watching movies (or when it comes to doing many things, honestly).

Recently I discovered Redbox, the DVD vending machine. You pay $1 to have a movie for one night. Finally, an idea I can stand by...literally. (har har)

I had long grown weary of video store staff, and they were part of the reason I stayed away. I remember once in college asking a clerk at a particular store, "Do you have 'Raging Bull?'" She replied, "Umm, who's in that?" I realized the error of my ways and stopped short of asking about the foreign film section. No need to lose all faith in cultural literacy. (And, yes, I'm very aware of how greaaaaat I sound.)

So, the idea of having to speak to no human who may or may not love movies and to pay very little to view a movie I may or may not love was very appealling. I joined the world of the well entertained last weekend, and we rented...get ready for it...four movies. That's right. I spent $4. And you know what? I learned that spending $1 on a movie you don't love is just as disappointing as spending $5 or $10.

For the sake of all of you who are thinking, "Whatever did you watch, and how were you disappointed? Please share so that we may refrain from making terrible decisions and save the generations of future movie viewers!"....ok.

First, we watched "Funny People." I thought, "Hey, it's full of comedians, and it's about a guy who thinks he's dying. What could be funnier?" Well, it turns out, everything. Everything could be funnier. It was 2 1/2 hours long, and it could have been 45 minutes shorter if they'd omitted the queen mother of all dirty words. And considering this movie already took up 2 1/2 hours of my life that I'll never get back, that's all I'll have to say about it. (And, yes, I'm not dim enough to believe that it was supposed to be a riproaring comedy, but c'mon. Give me something, people.)

Second, I opted for "Julie and Julia." I thought, "Hmm, sounds heartwarming, relatively interesting...ok." It turned out ok. Really, it just made me feel bad about myself, as I watched these women preparing glorious meals in Le Crueset cookware and copper pots that I'll never own...and that I'm convinced are what make food actually taste good. (that's my defense anyway) It just struck an uncomfortable and sad chord with me, and I caught myself thinking, "Sure, I could cook great meals, but I'd blow my weekly grocery budget on just one of those recipes. I don't know why that girl thinks she needs control of her ho-hum life. What a whiner." Yep, it struck a chord. There were also a couple of scenes where some characters were talking to the TV, and nothing annoys me more than that. So, truly, extravagant recipes + TV commentary dialogue = lackluster for me. And at the beginning J. said of Julia Child's voice, "She sounds like she's running out of breath, and it's making me tired." So I spent most of the movie also thinking about oxygen deprivation. By the end I felt like I'd run a marathon, as if I have any idea what that feels like.

Third, I threw all caution to the wind and rented "Gran Torino." How could I go wrong with Clint Eastwood? Well, the only thing I learned from this movie is, in spite of everything I've ever witnessed in my short life, you can take a 75-year-old racist curmudgeon and turn him around in just over 2 hours. Truly heartwarming in a "this could never possibly happen anywhere but in the movies" sort of way. Like the other two, I could have lived the rest of my life, quite happily, without seeing this movie. But it is worth watching to hear the song at the end that Clint Eastwood is singing, because that's hilarious. (If for some strange reason you're feeling the indescribable urge to pee your pants right now [who isn't, right?], here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MItMDkc343M.)

So there were my three strikes. Determined to salvage something, I gave it one more shot and selected "Role Models." (For those of you keeping up, we're now up to that astounding $4, but I did earn a free movie rental.) I have grown confident in the comedic talents of Paul Rudd, my secret boyfriend, and I knew he wouldn't let me down. And I was right. Sure, I had to endure a couple of boobie shots that made me briefly contemplate plastic surgery, and I probably picked up a few new vocabulary words. But I laughed out loud. And I saw the funniest thing I think I'll ever see in my entire life. A little kid in KISS makeup:

Now what to do with my free movie rental? Anyone have any suggestions? Remember, I'm obviously very easy to please.