Someone on the Other Side of the World Thinks I'm a Dork

Before I begin, allow me to say that I'm very, very certain that plenty of people on this side of the world think I'm a dork too. I have at least 5 exchanges a day with strangers and friends alike where I'm pretty confident my rating on their nerd scales soars. But today I had a customer service experience with [insert pretty Indian name here that I can't spell] of Earthlink that made me feel like the Ugliest American in the history of Ugly Americans.

I called because our fickle internet service wasn't working. After answering the obligatory questions one would ask a monkey, like "Is your internet turned on, ma'am?" and "Are all the lights blinking on your modem, ma'am?", we got to business.

And I am so ashamed to admit that I couldn't get past the CSR's accent. It was lovely, but I just couldn't follow her. And usually I'm really, really good with accents. It's only fair that I would be, because I personally sound like a hillperson. As a result, I sounded more and more like an idiot at every turn. I figured, though, that she and I were in it for the long haul, and I decided I'd fill those empty pauses while I waited for my internet to work with a little international chit chat. I was going to break down this language barrier, dangit.

Me: "You know, I didn't even ask you how you are doing today. Are you having a good day?"
(keep in mind...seconds upon seconds of awkward silence was my only option)

Her: silence...silence...a small giggle that sounded totally like she was looking at her co-worker and making some face at me...then "I am good, ma'am."

Me: "Great! Ok, I think it may be working. Can you wait one second so I can be sure?"

Her: "I will be happy to wait as long as you need me to, ma'am."
(By the way, every time this woman said "ma'am" it sounded like an insult. It was like I had jumped into the future and was talking to my teenage daughter..."Yes, ma'am, I'll be home by 10:00. geez.")

Me: "Thank you. I really appreciate all of your help."
(See, now I was starting to feel awkward and weird, so I began to dish out unnecessary compliments to the CSR at the company who I'm paying for a service that's not working. I stopped just short of "It's not you, it's me!"

Me: "So, where am I calling you?"
(I had no need to ask, but, again, small talk.)

Her: "India, ma'am."

Me: "Wow!"

Her: "Oh, is it working now, ma'am?"

Me: "Um, no, I just said 'Wow!' because you're in India and I'm on the other side of the world and I just think it's neat that we're sitting here talking on the phone together when we're in totally different places and I hear India is beautiful."

(And that's when I got verbal diarrhea and realized I was so poorly representing my nation that I just needed to go sit in the shower and cry. "I hear India is beautiful." Have I ever heard anyone say that? No. I'm sure parts of it are quite spectacular. Truly, I could have just said something equally as brilliant like, "So, are there a lot of people in India?" or "I heard 'Slumdog Millionaire' is a great movie." Oh, and I did hear that.)

Her: "Ok, ma'am. So is your internet working now?

Me: "Um, yes, it seems to be doing fine now. I guess that will be all. But thank you, thank you so much for your help today. I really, really appreciate it."

It felt so tremendously awkward at that point...as if it had felt like a dream up to that point. Anyway, I was making a fool out of myself. I just had visions of her hanging up, pulling off her headset, and heading out to happy hour at Chili's New Dehli where she'd make fun of me.

So right now I'm fighting the very strong urge to call AT&T for no good reason, because I seem to always get someone at a call center in the Midwest or Southeast, and their gentle, kind demeanor makes me regain all hope in humanity. Really, when I hear someone there say, "Yes, ma'am," I just imagine him or her tipping his hat or nodding her head before inviting me and mine over for Sunday dinner.

I don't think my new friend will be inviting me over for dinner. In fact, I think my exchange today may have set back U.S./India relations at least 50 years.

So, does anyone else have a customer service experience that rivals mine in awkwardness??