I Swear I Both Aced Speech Class and Received an English Degree from an Accredited University

Being a mom means that your brain seems to rest firmly in your bottom sometimes, because often that feels like where your thoughts emerge. More times than not I open to mouth to only, seconds later, think, "I can't believe that just came out of my face."

And that's how it feels sometimes...like the ill-formed words are spewing out of my face, totally out of my control. I think the inner workings of my mom brain are not unlike the Anheiser Busch brewery bottling line I saw on a school trip to Busch Gardens. The bottles are trucking along just fine, and it all makes sense...until--ka-pam! That reject bottle comes along, and it gets kicked out faster than you can say "hasenfeffer incorporated." Well, some days it feels like every word out of my mouth is a reject bottle. Ka-pam indeed.

I try to write down the flat-out weird things Annie says, but I wonder sometimes if I shouldn't do the same for me. It's probably a good idea that I don't, because reading that drivel would likely lower my failing IQ by a good 50 points, which would throw me straight into the red.

But for the sake of fun, let's revisit some of my more profound statements, comments, bouts of verbal diarrhea, what-have-you, that I've experienced so far this week.

1. To a dear friend's (talking 'bout you, "E-bits"!) husband who stopped by to deliver a fantastic meal and who had clearly earned Annie's affection in a whopping 10 seconds: "Annie just loves men. She just goes crazy over all the men that come over to the house." That's right. "All the men." Oh, and I forgot to mention, I said this to a future pastor. At least he can pray for me.

2. To Annie, when putting her down for a nap: "Please try to get some rest, and don't poop yourself awake, please." I'm pretty sure that's the only time I've said that. At least I hope so.

3. To the sweet 20-something girl who lives upstairs who just got engaged: "Yeah, enjoy this time! The engagement, the wedding, those first few years....they're so much fun. And then when you're our age, that's when all the stupid stuff starts happening." Congratulations and best wishes!!

4. To the sales associate at Hancock Fabrics: "I'll talk half a yard, please!" Ok, that doesn't seem weird, but you haven't seen the fabric. It is so bad, so weird, she actually begged me to buy the rest of the bolt, which had been in the store for nearly 4 years. But it is soooo delicious in its tackiness, and it brings me much joy. I wish I could meet the kindred spirits who purchased the previous yards. I'd love to spend an afternoon with them chatting about sewing small appliance cozies and looking at their Tweety Bird tattoos.

That's all for now. I should stop, because my fingers are getting tired. And my self-esteem is plummeting. And there's also some very funky fabric begging to be fashioned into something even funkier.